omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
