so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Randomize
