You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
