1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
