I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
