where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Sober January is a disaster.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
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