My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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