those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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