I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
