She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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