He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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