every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Randomize
