I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
