dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
