somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize