apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
