I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
