Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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