I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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