guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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