FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
