i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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