tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
