At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
i now understand why vodka
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
