Your face is a jimmy john
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
whose parrot is this?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
