why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
