Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
