Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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