Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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