Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I bet he comes in French.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
