I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
