So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
why does every cop we meet know your name?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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