So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
