she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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