Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
You may now shotgun with the bride
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
