I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Randomize
