One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
