Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
