he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
