After last night, I could never be a politician.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I want a musical about memes.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
