my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
