My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
