i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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