Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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