3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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