i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
God, I missed his penis.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
