I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I wish I only lived at night.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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