I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Randomize
