Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
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