Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
