I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
