Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
