if i can run in heels then i can drive
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
