he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
