I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
