i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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