But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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