you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
