so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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